Can a Monster Learn to Love?

Sometimes I go into his room to feel closer to him. I never thought my little boy could feel so incredibly far away. I had been dreading going back to work because I would have to be away from him and leave him with strangers for hours and hours each day. I was dreading the time he would be done breastfeeding and his father would want to take him overnight or even for weekends. It has now been two months and nine days since I saw my baby alive. Two months and nine days. In the last couple months, I had left him with his father for a few hours here and there. Part of me was happy to have a little bit of a break. I feel so awful saying that now… But a part of me always missed him. I was constantly checking my phone, trying not to text more than once to make sure everything was okay. He is my heart, as I’m sure I’ve said more than once. And now, he is much more than a half hour drive away. I can’t text anyone to see if he’s okay, or go pick him up when he starts missing me and saying “Mum mum mum!” I can’t walk in the door and see his outstretched arms and the pure relief on his face that I’m finally there. I have never felt so unconditionally loved by someone. I have never looked at someone and felt so strongly that my heart would explode within my chest, like I had so much love for that teeny tiny little person, it coundkt possibly all be contained within me.

My life feels so long now. The one thing that has been helping me calm down enough to eventually drift off at night is the thought of us being together again. I imagine his smiling little face and gleeful giggles as I enter Heaven’s gates. Just the face he would make when I opened the door of the truck to take him out. He would kick his little legs in excitement and any crying stopped instantly. I keep promising him I’ll be there with him soon and we’ll be together for eternity. I hope I’m not lying. How could a loving God give me such a perfect little boy, love him with every bit of my soul, take him away after ten months, then not allow us to be together in death? But then again, what kind of mother has her unborn child murdered… I am so afraid. My biggest regret in life is that. It has been since the moment it happened. I cried the second both my babies left my body. Though the second was with tears of pure joy. I am a monster. But can a monster be forgiven once it’s learned to love? If it repents and lives and works to help others from now on? I pray I can be. Every night. I’m not that heinous person I was then. All I care about anymore is being with my babies. The two in Heaven now and this new one, who will hopefully join us after I have gone. I’d like to say I can’t imagine an eternity without Daxon, but I can and it is terrifying. I feel as if I’m already living it. He feels so far away from me… I’m his mommy; he should be in my arms. We should be together. One day…


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